OPINION

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What kind of a parent are you?
Psychiatrists identify four types of parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritative. Authoritarian parents make all decisions for their children with little room for negotiation. Permissive parents avoid conflict by setting few boundaries, often leading their children to struggle with discipline and focus. Uninvolved parents are disconnected, providing minimal support or structure. Authoritative parents allow for some flexibility, combining clear expectations with the willingness to listen. We can add two more variants: the helicopter parent who hovers constantly over her children and the bulldozer parent who flattens any obstacle they see as being in their child’s way.
As parents, we are compelled to intervene when we think our child is threatened. Every child at some stage in its progress towards adulthood will suffer at some time. We rush to remove obstacles in their path; we can easily resolve whatever is blocking them, and we do so, creating a conception of pushy parents, of helicopter parents. There are many tasks in life which we can plan for: parenting is not one of them. Some of us have the good fortune to be instinctively good parents. Not everyone, parent or child, is so lucky. So both parties have to learn on the job.
At this point I’d like to introduce a new kind of parent, the lighthouse parent. ‘Light’ in both senses: illuminating the world and its challenges facing the child, and ‘light’ in the sense of not being heavy-handed. A lighthouse parent stands as a steady, reliable guide, providing safety and clarity without controlling every aspect of their child’s journey. Here’s an example: A child comes home feeling overwhelmed by school and frustrated that she is doing ‘all of the work’ for a big group project that is due next week.
The over-functioning parent is ready with an array of next steps: “Why don’t you assign the other group members what they each have to do?”; “You should put your name next to all of the parts that you did so the teacher gives you credit”; “I’m going to email the teacher so she knows that you’re doing all of the work”. These tactics may address symptoms, but they fail to get at the underlying issue. They also inadvertently communicate to a child that what’s needed is parental involvement. Sometimes what a child needs is simply to be acknowledged: “Goodness! That sounds like a lot”; “I can tell you are working really hard”; “Do you have ideas about what you want to do?”
Like a lighthouse that helps ships to avoid crashing into rocks, lighthouse parents provide firm boundaries and emotional support while allowing their children the freedom to navigate their own challenges. They demonstrate that they trust their kids to handle difficult situations independently. The key is learning when to step back and let them find their own way. One of the most important reorientations that parents can make is learning to substitute their impulse to fix problems with the patience to listen. A fix-it mindset is focused on quick solutions, at quelling or containing emotions or discomfort; listening is about allowing emotions to exist without rushing to solve a problem.
Listening teaches resilience; it communicates confidence in your child’s ability to cope with challenges, however messy they might be. As children grow, parents must move from the role of boss to that of consultant. When our children are young, we make nearly every decision for them, from what they eat to when (in theory) they sleep. Little by little, we remove the scaffolding, creating freestanding adults who have internalised our values and have the capacity to embody them in the world. In addition to listening, the key principles of lighthouse parenting are: checking in and communicating; balancing autonomy and guidance; giving children enough space to experience and learn from failure; being available whenever guidance is needed; fostering independence and resilience; allowing children the opportunity to make decisions and problem-solve on their own. By being there to provide your children with support and guidance but not just solving the problems for them, allows them to feel that they have the tools to tackle things that life may throw at them.
Lighthouse parents set healthy limits and boundaries for their children without being too forceful or overly involved. This helps to foster essential life skills such as independence, problem-solving, and resilience while building their self-esteem and self-confidence. A lighthouse parenting approach values open communication and self-reflection, and it encourages children to come to parents for guidance, which lays the foundation for a comfortable and
supportive relationship.
Time to turn on that light!
John Fleming II

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